It's my blog, I'll do whatever I want with it.

I’m watching you change right in front of me. It’s as if you have no idea, and im just on the sidelines. It’s like you don’t even care, as if the only thing important to you is your makeup and push up bra. I can’t do anything about it. Anything I could ever possibly even say to you would be deemed irrelevant. Your stubbornness can only help you so much. You were and still are one of the most important people in my life, but it’s hard to see you transform. Please don’t forget who you are.

Did you just stop caring? I may just be having a bad day, but I constantly feel like I care way more about others than they care about me. You were nothing but rude to me today. You can’t just pick days where you want to be mean to me and only me when I haven’t done anything. You’re pushing everyone away and staying with one person constantly. Why? It’s like you don’t care about anyone else. You’ve always been there for me, but sometimes I’ve noticed you’ve been getting to that point where you’ve just given up. I don’t blame you, I’m hard to handle. But how dare you, how dare you say I don’t try when you know that I have been doing nothing but that. You couldn’t give me two fucking words today. You knew I was upset, I don’t care that you didn’t ask me why, but you were so stand offish all day. This day has honestly just sucked. And as for the person who made it suck.. Stop fucking going to my friends. We aren’t
Going to work it out.

My dog snorted this morning.

I’m still laughing.

People.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the people in my life lately. You try so hard
To maintain friendships and effortlessly let go of others, it’s all a part of growing up. Last year I met someone who I’m not sure I could live without. There’s only so much you can learn about someone in a year, but I can honestly say she’s my true best friend. Things haven’t always been rainbows and daisies for me, and looking back on some of my hardest times she was always there. Always. The thing I admire most, is that while others are so set on giving me pity for a bad week, she’s not afraid to kick me in the ass about it. And sometimes that’s what a person needs. They need someone to be there for them, but also give them the reality they need to see. It gets better, but that’s only possible if you get up off the floor and start trying. She has gone through so much trouble in efforts to help me get better, where as many people would have just ✌ and left. She doesn’t put up with bull shit, and if she doesn’t like you she’ll make it known..it makes me laugh, I’m just glad I’m not on the receiving end anymore. 😳 I could tell she didn’t like me very much when we first met, she actually admitted it, honestly..but still, I put up with her initial hatred because I knew how loyal of a friend she would eventually be to me. Senior year is coming to a close, and college is approaching fast. It makes me nervous a little bit, not because I’m worried about our friendship fading, but the fact that I know she won’t be 5 minutes away anymore. It’s a lot to think about, and I know she’ll always be there, but it just makes me sad knowing how drastically things will change.

Just climbing aimlessly over these hills.

I’ve been listening to one song on replay this entire weekend. “whatever you’re doing” by Sanctus real. It’s about healing and moving on with life, it’s about surrendering to something bigger than ourselves and our troubles, letting go. I want nothing more than to do that, but I can’t bring myself to it. These last 2 years have been a whirlwind of emotions. There are times where I’ve been happy, and times where I haven’t wanted to get out of my bed. Times where I’ve felt on top of the world, and times where I’ve researched and self diagnosed my problems. It’s so tiring. Things got very bad for me at one point junior year, I wouldn’t call it my darkest time because despite how depressed I was, I still felt something. “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.” I’ve worked so hard to be happy, and then all of a sudden it’s gone. Ive gone through this cycle so many times, and it’s so frustrating. I talked to my friend last night, she’s always been there for me, always. She doesn’t sugarcoat and tells it like it is. She said she questioned whether or not I’m even motivated to be happy. I’m not. I feel as though everyone around me has given up on me, I feel like a lost cause. I don’t want to go to my friends anymore because I know how exhausting it is for them to tell me over and over again to talk to someone, and the fact that I never do it is probably so frustrating. What more can they do? They’ve done all they can. I’ve realized it’s time for me to take things into my own hands. Im just not in the mood to try, I’ve given up on me too.

Renee.

So I saw the movie “Renee” today. It was amazing. I’ve never felt so in touch with a movie in my life.

I have no idea where my life is right now. I’m so incredibly frustrated with how things are going, it’s like all I want to do is raise my arms but they’re tied behind my back. I’m stuck. I have so many mixed feelings towards everything. College, I want a fresh start but I’m also a nervous wreck, I can’t believe how fast things are going. I’m so stressed about family. I feel unwanted and loved at the same time. Today a painter came in and asked if I was the one who took pictures and the one my mom wouldn’t stop bragging about..no that’s not me, glad to know my name wasn’t even mentioned. She calls everyday from college and sucks the life out of my mom with her negativity. I understand how hard it is, and I’m sorry for sounding so selfish. It’s just not fair, whenever it’s my turn to talk about something that’s bothering me, I get shut down because Morgan already let out her complaints. She deserves the chance to talk more, she’s away from home. I get that. All I’m asking is for one time. I go home and stay in my room..that’s it. I don’t want my mom to be unhappy because she’s alone a lot and all she hears is negativity, so I just won’t say anything. I have a boyfriend who treats me well to my face yet I have no idea whether or not to trust his actions while he’s gone. So much he said she said that I’ve chosen to let go, yet I know deep in my heart it’s true. I can’t remember ever feeling so insecure and worrisome about my appearance..that’s what rumors will do to you, regardless of them being true or not. My friends think I’m stupid for going back to him, I’m setting myself up to get hurt. To them, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all those times I’ve kept you occupied with my instability and paranoia, I’ve tried so hard to be okay, it’s just really hard. I feel really out of sorts.